Happy Anniversary, Redbeard!

The time has arrived to come out to being in love Ross, and loving the partnership that he and I have shared for this last year. It’s been building since our first date when he named the histories of violence connected to our bodies, identities, and desires in order to set the context and get consent for telling me, “You look pretty”. And against the odds, it continues to grow and deepen as we explore new ways of practicing love in a time of uncertainty.

As you would imagine, I loathe being read as another Asian woman with a white dude. I never thought I would date another white guy since exceeding my quota in college, and developing that skin allergy to non-consensual physical contact with their kind. That was until November 2010, when I chaperoned the Minnesota OUT! Campus Conference at Augsburg College. I found myself face to face with the dreamy red-bearded, anti-racist facilitator and couldn’t resist the urge to invite him to coffee with me (again). Fast forward to one year later--I am blogging from South Korea with his love and encouragement propelling me forward on this incredible adventure.

I can’t help but daydream about how wonderful it would feel to take him on a cheap date to our favorite Minneapolis establishments...

I would let him drive me to the Riverview Theater to see a second-run Hollywood blockbuster that centers another white, gender-conforming, hetero-, able-bodied, middle-class, monogamous partnership that leads to marriage as a symbol of true love. This would give me fodder to complain all night about the exploitation of people of color as a plot device to tell white man hero stories. He would listen and validate me, not only because I am right, but because he believes he needs to be accountable to queer and trans folks of color who have been integral to his journey for personal liberation from the painful histories of violence inherent in the constructions of hegemonic masculinity portrayed in the film. Afterward, we would go to the Chatterbox for a couple of rounds of Bubblejack and a game of Limited Edition LOTR Monopoly. Despite his willingness to make deals so that we can co-create a shared vision for Middle-earth, I would ultimately lose. In part because of my aggressive building strategy, but mostly due to my proud and needy hustler tendencies that come out when I’m competing in the game of capitalism. Then we would go home to the same place. Holding hands along the way, processing our feelings, reaching for collective liberation--with our favorite Twin Cities artists/activists/organizers speaking truth to power playing in the background.

Alas, I am living in Korea, and he is living in the United States…at least for now. So I have to go with Plan B, which is to write him into my story by posting this message on my blog. Drawing inspiration from the six-sided die that Ross and I would use to play question games, ranging from deep to saucy.

This next section is written directly to him:

It’s my turn. I am picking the questions, starting with 6 and ending on 1.

SIX words to describe you:

1. Fuzzy
2. Warm
3. Generous
4. Fierce
5. Deep
6. Textured  

FIVE memories we made that I want more of:

1. Hours of Truth or Dare.
2. Being snowed in for days.
3. Listening to you sing in the morning.
4. Drinking beer, eating popcorn, and crying about how much we love one another.
5. Spending time with your family and friends who love you and believe in you.

FOUR wishes I want to share with you:

1. Health
2. Home
3. Family
4. Peace

THREE ridiculously dramatic love songs that I hate admitting give me the feelings:

1. Brandi Carlile, Hiding My Heart Away
2. Tracy Chapman, The Promise
3. Eva Cassidy, Songbird

TWO regrets when looking back on our relationship:

1. Not asking you about your views on animal liberation before ordering a Rueben from Trotter’s Cafe on our first date.
2. Taking so long to communicate that all my anger towards the racism and sexism that targeted me in the United States was underneath those awful fights I picked with you during our limited time together.

ONE thought I’ve carried with me from the beginning:

1. That you are worthy of what you have to give and deserve the love that you share with your communities.

Thank you for this transformational year of healing through loving and being loved by you. Despite the uncertainty that has always been with us, I found home and family with you during a time when I needed it most. I don't dare consider that I need a person to complete me. Though I will admit that I need an ally. I am so grateful to have a daily reminder of how we can meet from our oppositional positions of power, to create places to play and rest, and reach for the world as we want it to be, while fighting the structures of power in the world that we live. Happy Anniversary, Ross!

Love always, 
Laura