To search or not to search?

I am thinking about birth family searches these days. I will be traveling to Seoul next weekend in order to visit Holt and review my adoption file (K85-160). I am trying to be positive, while checking my eagerness, knowing that it could be a disappointing visit. 

My earliest photo of me taken during transport from Korea to the U.S.

 As I pursue more information about my adoption, and as those around me engage in the search processes, I find myself asking: What do I want?

I know I want more information to deepen the understanding of my adoption story. I also feel a pull to find connection to family and place here in Korea. I know that part of my process is to be living in Korea and learning the language. Though I also wonder how much pursuing the birth family search is necessary to me having a fulfilling experience during my time here.

I am also thinking about how my search process will impact my birth mother. What does it mean for me to search for her within the same patriarchal system that made her invisible? Is searching an act of love that demonstrates forgiveness and understanding?

I want to be in community with those who have been targeted by the violence of international adoption, especially my birth mother. Though I fear bringing more pain into her life, if she has come to terms with our situation.

All that being said, I would love to hold her hand. Hug her. And kiss her head.